Who's the boss
Spending a considerable amount of time in the car with ones family always originates interesting situations. In the case of my own family we often end up having very educated discussions about who's the boss.
My daughter has the strong need to assess in each situation who is fulfilling this important and delicate role. We are of course happy that she at least recognizes the need of some kind of authority. In her eyes though, the boss is whoever determines what happens in each specific situation. For many of us this could be as good a definition as any, but try to look at it through a seven years old's eyes. When Oliver cries we stop the car to feed him. Then he cries again and we stop to change his diaper, then he cries again and we go back home because he needs to sleep. Through Nora's linear thinking Oliver is undoubtedly the boss!
When I was that age though I never ever came to that conclusion, first of all because I was myself the youngest child so I never had the chance to see my parents attending to the needs of a baby. But also and mostly because my parents made really clear that attending to the needs of the kids is a necessity. The authority of the boss is expressed not in case of necessity but when choices were involved. So in the definition of my parents the boss is the one that has the right to exercise choice. My father made this concept very clear to my mother as well. But this was an average Italian family in the last decades of the 20th century.
Let me concede that parenthood style has changed quite a bit in the 21st century as well as the role allocation in a couple, everywhere and in Italy as well. Indeed we cannot forget the geographic factor and the fact that we are a "mixed" family.
I hope you are seeing the dilemma now, no old conventions or definitions can be applied to us, besides the fact that kids still want to know who's the boss.
We ended up on the very slippery slope of allowing the children with some choices which introduces the very sofisticated concept of some choices being different than others. Of course a seven years old has the thoughest time in determining what is what. That gives you an idea of the practicality of this model!
The interesting question is, is this model also applicable to mom and dad? Meaning do we divide areas of responsibility or if you wish authority within the couple? In other words who's the boss within the couple? Tricky, very tricky question!
It would be easy to say that we are a modern couple of highly educated professionals who are perfectly able to share authority, but is it really true, is it ever true? Sharing power is not really in human nature so it requires quite a level of sofistication to do that.
I will share our "golden" compromise: every choice that has to do with the family is strictly made together. It does not matter whether it is little (are we eating at McDonald's today or not) or huge (are we investing several hundreds of thousands in a second property). Every choice that concerns the individual it does not matter whether it is little (am I calling that old friend or not) or huge ( am I going to look for another job) is strict responsibility of the individual himself. Tricky as I have said, but working so far.
I am not stepping into the mine field of trying to translate all this boss talk from family to corporate world even though also there,as little kids, we all need to know who's the boss.
I am not going there because a family is not like a company for at least one reason, in modern days families are kept together by one feeling only, love. Many different feelings keep companies together but love is certainly not one of those.
My daughter has the strong need to assess in each situation who is fulfilling this important and delicate role. We are of course happy that she at least recognizes the need of some kind of authority. In her eyes though, the boss is whoever determines what happens in each specific situation. For many of us this could be as good a definition as any, but try to look at it through a seven years old's eyes. When Oliver cries we stop the car to feed him. Then he cries again and we stop to change his diaper, then he cries again and we go back home because he needs to sleep. Through Nora's linear thinking Oliver is undoubtedly the boss!
When I was that age though I never ever came to that conclusion, first of all because I was myself the youngest child so I never had the chance to see my parents attending to the needs of a baby. But also and mostly because my parents made really clear that attending to the needs of the kids is a necessity. The authority of the boss is expressed not in case of necessity but when choices were involved. So in the definition of my parents the boss is the one that has the right to exercise choice. My father made this concept very clear to my mother as well. But this was an average Italian family in the last decades of the 20th century.
Let me concede that parenthood style has changed quite a bit in the 21st century as well as the role allocation in a couple, everywhere and in Italy as well. Indeed we cannot forget the geographic factor and the fact that we are a "mixed" family.
I hope you are seeing the dilemma now, no old conventions or definitions can be applied to us, besides the fact that kids still want to know who's the boss.
We ended up on the very slippery slope of allowing the children with some choices which introduces the very sofisticated concept of some choices being different than others. Of course a seven years old has the thoughest time in determining what is what. That gives you an idea of the practicality of this model!
The interesting question is, is this model also applicable to mom and dad? Meaning do we divide areas of responsibility or if you wish authority within the couple? In other words who's the boss within the couple? Tricky, very tricky question!
It would be easy to say that we are a modern couple of highly educated professionals who are perfectly able to share authority, but is it really true, is it ever true? Sharing power is not really in human nature so it requires quite a level of sofistication to do that.
I will share our "golden" compromise: every choice that has to do with the family is strictly made together. It does not matter whether it is little (are we eating at McDonald's today or not) or huge (are we investing several hundreds of thousands in a second property). Every choice that concerns the individual it does not matter whether it is little (am I calling that old friend or not) or huge ( am I going to look for another job) is strict responsibility of the individual himself. Tricky as I have said, but working so far.
I am not stepping into the mine field of trying to translate all this boss talk from family to corporate world even though also there,as little kids, we all need to know who's the boss.
I am not going there because a family is not like a company for at least one reason, in modern days families are kept together by one feeling only, love. Many different feelings keep companies together but love is certainly not one of those.
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